It's been 2 months since my last blog post

Please forgive me, Father. or however that goes. What I have been up during that time:

1. work. very unsuccessful work. I did start 2 new projects that have a slight chance in hell of being successful. Let's not talk about work.
2. went to Puerto Rico! many stories to follow
3. broke up with boyfriend. cried a lot. ate a lot of ice cream. got fat(ter).
4. decided to focus on work and getting skinny. bought a laptop to work to maximize productivity.
   

Ah, Google

You know how Google tailors the advertisements they show you to what you search online? Somehow GMail has gotten the impression that I'm a kook. Yesterday as I checked my email, it showed me the following (all at the same time):

Sponsored Links
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Digital Food Scale
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Craving Korean food?
Whatever you're craving, the Crave Reader can guess. Try it out.www.honda.com

100% Safe Love Spells
Authentic and honest spiritual help Reuniting Lovers as early as 48h. www.egyptian-witchcraft.com

Turduckens from Louisiana
Enjoy a Delicious Turducken Share our Love for Good Food!www.BuyLouisiana.com

I think a) gks and I need to stop making AIDS jokes, b) gks and I need to stop talking about how fat we are, c) Jewy, gks, and I need to stop eating so much KoJa. I have no idea where the love spells thing came from. I swear!

Tastykake is Nastykrap

My friends and I have a frequent debate about whether Tastykake is superior to Little Debbies, and it seriously makes me question their taste/sanity/whether they have enough intelligence to urinate in the toilet. Little Debbie's is the top of the snack cake evoluntionary chart. Let's look at the facts. Little Debbies:

1. Swiss cake rolls - delicious chocolate cake rolled up with cream and coated with more chocolate
2. Starcrunch - chocolate rice crispy crunchy cookie covered in caramel
3. Oatmeal creme pies - everyone's favorite
4. German chocolate cookie rounds - a samoa that you don't have to buy from a girl scout
5. Christmas tree cake - the best part of Christmas besides Jesus
6. Nutty bars - peanut butter layered between wafers and covered in chocolate....mmmmm
7. Zebracake - cake striped like a zebra! can you believe it!?

Tastykake's selection of goodies?

1. Butterscotch krimpet - cake covered with gooey butterscotch frosting
2-10. Cake cemented over with ______ - flavored frosting that sticks to the wrapper

Q.E.D.

This post is about my breasts

Once, I had a dream that my breasts were made of hot dogs. I don't remember much else about it, except that I'm pretty sure I took a bite. I was about 9 or 10 and already about a C cup and my breasts were the bane of my existence. I hit puberty early and puberty hit back pretty hard. My fourth grade teacher sat me down one day and told me I had to start wearing a bra to school or I would be sent home. Some fifth graders had started calling me "butter breasts" because they would see me walking down the hall with my boobs bouncing. Despite already having my period and all the other signs of puberty, I was still a little kid. My friends and I still pretended to be the Little Mermaid and bras hadn't even crossed my mind.

And the boobs have never done me much good. I had glasses and braces and was overweight throughout middle and high school, so boys never chased me and I wasn't particularly interested anyway. Only in recent years I have found they give me any advantage and I would still trade for smaller ones if only to wear strapless tops. I never understand the fascination guys have with breasts. As Joe b says, even gay guys love them. Can anyone explain it to me?

The Culinary Expertise of an Anonymous Friend

On girl scout cookies: The irony of the thin mint is that eating them makes you fat.

On gummy bears: They look like bears but taste of fruit.

On making your own hummus: We added too much garlic. It was the great hummus diaster of 2001.

On packaged dried squid from Japan: I can't read any of the words on the label, except 4C. I hope that it doesn't mean it needs to be refridgerated. [eats handful of dried squid that has been in a drawer at room temperature for the last 2 weeks]

On herbal tea: It's an abomination.

How I ended up at the Hannah Montana movie on opening night

(a few weeks ago)

To: Jewy and JLR
From: Pierre
I have a new favorite TV show: Hannah Montana. It is the best thing on the Disney Channel since The Lizzie McGuire show.

(a few minutes after receiving that email)

To: Pierre
From: JLR
CC: Jewy
oh my god. that show is horrible. you are crazy.

(a few seconds later)
To: Pierre
From: JLR
CC: Jewy
P.S. oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. Pierre, you seriously just killed me. Please email me now and say you didn't mean it.

To: Jewy and JLR
From: Pierre
I actually do like it. I don't knock you for watching "I Love New York," so don't knock my television taste.

(Friday, a few weeks later, after an icy pall has descended on my friendship with Pierre)

To: Jewy and JLR
From: Pierre
Re: vindication
http://beta.rottentomatoes.com/m/1190286-_hannah_montana_and_miley_cyrus_best_of_both_worlds_concert/

(Later that night, Pierre texted me to ask me to the 11pm showing of the Hannah Montana movie. Usually, I jump at the chance to laugh at Pierre, but I was a little reluctant to say yes. Then I looked online and discovered that it was playing in 3-D. "Holy crap," I said to myself, "this is going to be the movie experience of a lifetime: funny glasses, the worst pop music in history being lipsynched, and Billy Ray Cyrus's daughter in a blond wig. Pierre, Jewy, and I jumped in a cab and hurried to the theater. What we saw was indescribable.)

Stereotype: black people love BBQ

So last month's poll - If you were stranded on a desert island with the presidential candidates and forced to eat someone to survive, who do you think would taste the best? I'm proud of how my site brings up a lot of conversation about race, the perception of fat people, and double entendre.

Case in point: gchat with gks

me: who did you vote for on my poll?
gks: barack obama
dark meat
tastes better
me: he doesn't have any fat
garry: lean cuts are better for you
me: not as delicious
and he's a smoker
garry: char grilled flavor
me: ha! good point
I voted for huckabee
garry: lol
me: then I realized you could read the poll in a really dirty way but it was too late to rephrase